The Nine Parts of Speech and the F Word

Some of us did not absorb the nine parts of speech in school—not because we were incapable, but because sitting still and staring at a board for twelve years is a poor match for a human nervous system. Unfortunately, if you want to write often or write well, you still need those parts of speech.

To patch the hole in your education, Peevish Penman offers this refresher in gloriously unhinged algospeak. We are going to demonstrate that one word in English can serve as all nine parts of speech: fuck.

1. Nouns

A noun names a person, place, thing, or idea.

What a fucker.

Here, fucker is a noun naming a person. Nouns can be singular or plural:

For fuck's sake vs. those stupid fucks.

In the first case, you're appealing to a single abstract fuck; in the second, you're complaining about multiple flesh-and-blood fucks.

Nouns can also be common or proper:

What a fuck vs. He is the Fuck of all fucks.

Capitalizing Fuck elevates it to proper noun status—essentially a dark, obscene title.

Nouns can be concrete or abstract. A dumb fuck is concrete: a tangible creature, walking around making choices. But in who the fuck…?, fuck doesn't point to any specific object. It floats as a pure concept, like "justice," "perspicacity," or "regret."

Nouns can also be gerunds (verb forms acting as nouns), generally ending in -ing.

I am fucking fine.

Here, fucking functions as a noun phrase meaning "in a state of fuck-level adequacy." In contrast:

He is fucking.

In that sentence, fucking is clearly a verb, not a noun. Same spelling, different job.

2. Pronouns

Pronouns replace nouns to avoid repetition. In modern, irritated English, one popular emergent pronoun is: that fuck.

Original sentence:

John went to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread.

Standard pronoun version:

He went to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread.

Contemporary upgrade:

That fuck went to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread.

Here, that fuck functions as a personal pronoun replacing the subject. It's also demonstrative:

Q: Which fuck? A: That fuck.

Reflexive pronouns name a receiver of an action who is the same as the doer.

Without a pronoun: Jennifer walked her dog all by Jennifer's self today.

With a reflexive pronoun:

Jennifer walked her dog all by her own fucking self today.

Indefinite pronouns refer to non-specific persons or things:

Bruce and Sonali kissed one a-fucking-nother.

Interrogative pronouns introduce questions:

Who the fuck? Which fuck? What fucker? How the fuck? Whose fucking what? To whom the fuck?

Each of those can function as a complete question in actual spoken English, which means they are doing grammatical work, not just vibing as noise.

In real life, all of these often collapse into one pure interrogative:

Fuuuuuuuck?

Drawn out like that, it's less an interjection and more a full-body request for an explanation you already know you won't receive.

Relative pronouns introduce dependent clauses and refer back to someone or something already mentioned:

Whoever the fuck… whomever the fuck… which fucking… that fuck…

3. Adjectives

Adjectives modify (describe) nouns or pronouns.

What a fucking fuck.

Here, fucking is clearly an adjective describing the kind of fuck we're dealing with.

Adjectives can form comparisons:

That was more fucked up than anything I've ever seen.
That was the most fucked up thing I have ever seen.

4. Verbs

Verbs express action or a state of being. If any word deserves the title of "primary action verb of modern English," it's probably fuck.

As a main verb:

Fuck him.

That's the imperative mood: a direct command.

As a main verb supported by an auxiliary (helping) verb:

My ex-boyfriend just fucking draws all day.

Transitive verbs need a direct object:

Hassan fucks up. → incomplete. Hassan fucks up everything. → now we understand the scope of the disaster.

Intransitive verbs don't need an object:

Sarah fucks.

No further detail needed. We understand the general situation just fine.

5. Adverbs

Adverbs modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs.

He is fucking fucked.

In that sentence, fucked is functioning like an adjective describing his condition, and fucking is the adverb modifying how thoroughly he is that way.

Relative adverbs can introduce clauses and answer questions like "when?" and "where?":

Fuck when I had to go get my car fixed…

Change the punctuation and speed, and it flips from adverbial use to interjection:

Fuck! When I had to go get my car fixed…

Same word, totally different rhythm and role.

6. Conjunctions

Coordinating conjunctions join words, phrases, or clauses of equal weight. In English, we memorize them as FANBOYS:

for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so

But we both know what happens in real speech:

for fucking, and fucking, nor fucking, but fucking, or fucking, yet fucking, so fucking

Example:

Keisha eats ham sandwiches, but fucking Mike prefers tuna.

Without but fucking, you'd have:

Keisha eats ham sandwiches. Mike prefers tuna.

Here, fucking can be read as an emphatic adverb glued to the conjunction, but it's so fused with but in casual speech that it practically functions as part of the conjunction unit.

Correlative conjunctions also join ideas, but they come in pairs:

both fucking…and fucking
neither…fucking nor
fucking whether…or
either fucking…or
not fucking only…but fucking also

7. Prepositions

Prepositions connect a noun or pronoun to another word in the sentence and usually indicate relationships of time, place, or direction.

One classic way to recognize a preposition is the mouse test: "Anywhere a mouse can go."

Common prepositions include:

about, before, down, into, through, above, behind, during, like, to, across, below, except, of, toward, after, beneath, for, off, under, among, beside, from, on, up, around, between, in, over, with, at, by, instead of, since, without, and fuck.

So where's the mouse? Fuck if I know.

8. Articles

Articles are the tiny function words that introduce nouns: the, a, an, and (for the purposes of this deeply cursed lesson) fuck.

Watch how interchangeable they become:

The face sees its reflection in the mirror.
Fuck face sees its reflection in the mirror.

Same grammatical structure. Very different emotional temperature.

9. Interjections

Interjections express emotional states and can often stand alone.

Fucking awesome!

Interjections show up constantly in dialogue, interviews, and everyday speech:

Ah, fuck! How fucking pretty. Oh fuck, how wise.

The Nine Fucks of Speech

To conclude, a small, blasphemous grammar poem:

The Nine Fucks of Speech

Three little words fucks often see,
Are articles — a, an, and the.

A noun's the name of anything,
As school, garden, hoop, fuck, or swing.

And fucking adjectives tell the kind of noun —
Great, small, pretty, white, or brown.

Instead of nouns the pronouns stand —
Her face, your arm, fuck head, my hand.

Verbs tell of something to be done —
To read, to fuck, sing, jump, or run.

How things are done, the adverbs tell,
As slowly, quickly, ill, fucked up, or well.

Conjunctions join words together,
As in men and fucking women, wind or fucking weather.

The prepositions stand before
A noun, as at or through fucking door.

The interjection shows surprise,
As ah, fuck! How fucking pretty — oh fuck, how wise.

The fucks are fucked nine parts of speech,
Which fucking, fucking, fucking teach.